Thursday, February 17, 2011

Goose's Wisdom Weighs In

The morning of Goose’s last day he threw up for the last time. Goose had almost 3 yrs of constantly throwing up. It was so much on his little system.It was the last earthly wisdom Goose bestowed upon me. He chose my scale as if to tell me that it just doesn’t matter. I looked at the scale and the barf and heard him telling me,

“How much you weigh today does not matter. Being perfect doesn’t matter. A number on a scale doesn’t matter. What matters is that this is my last day with you. What matters is that you lie here with me so we can help each other through this. What matters is the honoring of the life we have shared together as we have known it until now. When someone loves you like I do, the earthly things don’t matter. What matters is that you honor me by giving me your time, your energy, your love and your support. What if you didn’t know that this was our last day and spent all day doing things that don’t matter? So what matters to you mom? What matters? Do that first. Do that continuously. Love me like you do every day but today …today…nothing else matters. See, we are lucky because we know that today is the day. We know what matters and what doesn’t. I barfed on your scale in case you were going to forget. :-) As sick as I am and as crappy as I feel, I still have a sense of humor. After today our lives will never be the same as we have known them. And I am just as scared as you mom. Yes I am. So when you wake up tomorrow, start to examine what matters now. You are on your own. What is it that matters now? Ok…I can hear Bizmarck calling me. Don’t forget. If it matters to you mom, that is all that is important. And btw Mom, thanks for making me the most important thing in your life. It mattered. Now it’s your turn.”

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Goose.

24 hours ago I was at the vet with my best friend Goose. We were saying goodbye to each other.
It was tied with the only other hardest thing I have ever done. That was saying goodbye to his brother barely 7 months ago. Goose and Bizmarck were the loves of my life. Both left 3 months shy of their 16th birthdays. We had an extraordinary life together. This I will write about later. I am truly broken hearted. The emptiness and quiet is deep and cavernous and lonely and yet allows for the knowing of something new that is launched by the gifts of the past 16 yrs.
Today I woke up for the first time in 25 yrs to having no kitty energy in my home. I have my coffee and wonder who I am now. Where do I start, how do I feel and what is happening? And this is what showed up.


The inevitable.

The finality.

The hollowness.

The quiet.

The space.

The re-ordering of things… priorities.

The finding value in just being me and not someone’s mom, caretaker, aid, friend, companion.

The new identity.

The heart break.

The fear of today.

The being not doing.

The disbelief.

The wonder.

The questioning.

The aloneness.

The understanding.

The shift from despair to sadness to laughter to detachment to practicality to intellectualizing to breaking open in less than a minute….over and over again.

The rain.

The honoring.

The gratitude.

The immense gratitude.

The energy. The shift. The re-alignment. The re-direction.

The puttering.

The creativity.

The noticing.

The compassion.

The nothing.

The something.

The mattering of things.

The love.

The comfort.

The grief.

The examining.

The gratitude.

The love. The immense Love. The intense love.

The surrender.

The weariness.

The exhaustion.

The sitting.

The standing.

The pacing.

The support.

The friendships.

The shock.

The vulnerability.

The solitude.

The gifts.

The distraction.

The letting go.

The holding on.

The humbling.

The anxiety.

The panic.

The calm.

The reviewing.

The praying.

The allowing.

The settling in. The settling down.

The realizing.

The joy.

The laughter.

The memories.

All of it matters.

All of it matters.